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Emotional Tips For The Holidays A Doormat No More: Assert Yourself!

By Ingo Loge

As promised, I have compiled a list of tips for learning to assert your needs, wants and feelings during this holiday season. It is unfortunate that so many people find the holiday season more stressful than any other time of the year. Of course, it is understandable, because many of us are concerned with “keeping the peace” with our friends and families. Not to mention spending to much money!

The greatest consequence we face when we are the “peacekeeper” is that we end up putting our needs on the back burner. This can often result in eating difficulties. I know from experience and from observing some of you who have trained with me.

Learning how to say no to family, friends and associates is similar to saying no to food. Until you can assert yourself to say no to family and friends, you will probably have difficulty saying no to food, especially around the holiday time.

As an adult, we have the option of deciding whether or not to continue behaving according to the assumptions of others that keep us from being an assertive adult. Let’s get assertive:

  1. Use “I” messages: “I” think (perception or understanding); “I” feel (I messages); “I” want (the actual desired event).
  2. Agree on a time and place that is convenient for you and the person with whom you are making a request.
  3. Keep the request small enough to avoid major resistance.
  4. Keep the request simple and understandable.
  5. Do not blame or attack.
  6. Be objective.
  7. Stick to facts.
  8. Keep your tone of voice moderate.
  9. Be specific. Do not use abstractions.
  10. Describe your wants in terms of behaviors, not attitudes.
  11. Maintain eye contact.
  12. Stand erect with your head up.
  13. Keep your arms and legs uncrossed.
  14. Speak clearly, audibly and firmly.
  15. Do not apologize after you have made your request.
  16. Practice (with a friend or in the mirror).
  17. Mention the benefits of getting your needs met rather than the disadvantages of denying your request. (This will help you to avoid sounding manipulative.)
  18. Connect the feeling statement to the behavior of others, not the entire person.
  19. Rid yourself of thinking you are not good enough to ask for what you want.
  20. Avoid an audience when making your request.
  21. Allow the other person the physical space, time and emotional space to deal with what you have presented him/her.
  22. Think through your comments/requests thoroughly, so that you do not lose the meaning in a flood of words.
  23. Avoid words like ALWAYS and NEVER.

In addition to practicing your assertiveness skills, I have added another to do list for you to internalize beginning today. As a human being, you have rights just as others do. Read them, learn them and apply them to your daily life.

  1. I have a right to ask for what I want.
  2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands that I cannot meet.
  3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
  4. I have the right to change my mind.
  5. I have the right to make mistakes and do not have to be perfect.
  6. I have the right to follow my own values and standards.
  7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe or it violates my values.
  8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
  9. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
  10. I have the right to not to be responsible for others’ behaviors, actions, feelings or problems.
  11. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
  12. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
  13. I have the right to feel scared and say, “I’m afraid.”
  14. I have the right to say, “I don’t know.”
  15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
  16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
  17. I have the right to own my own needs for personal space and time.
  18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
  19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
  20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
  21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
  22. I have the right to change and grow.
  23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
  24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
  25. I have the right to be happy.

DISCLAIMER: Learning to be assertive takes time and practice. Asking for what you want or need without guilt is a healthy manner in which to live your life. However, simply asking for what you want does not mean you will receive what you want. The other person has a right to deny you. Nevertheless, learning to assert yourself will allow you to recognize that you, too, are a worthwhile human being and have every right to ask and deny when you feel it is appropriate.

We all have rights. Your ultimate right is to be the sole judge of yourself -- to initiate and accept the consequences of your own actions, your own thoughts and your own feelings. Wishing you a wonderful, loving and healthy holiday season!

About the Author:

Ingo Loge Is an Exercise Physiologist Clinical Nutritionist, Chek Practitioner and the owner Of Fitness Forever Personal Training In Palm Desert, Ca. He Can Be Reached At www.MyFitness4ever.com or